Chrysanthemum Elegy (Kiku x Secret)
by Canopus-hoshirei
Summary: It hurts so much to admire someone without being noticed, to fall in love with them secretly, knowing that I would never be their special someone. If I knew love could hurt this much... I'd wish my feelings for them would just melt away. (Based on a roleplay between me as Kiku and my friend as the secret person, rated T for safe)
1. Prologue

I sit in front of my room's window as the rain outside gets more and more heavier. I really like when it's raining. The sound of the raindrops makes me calm, and the cold helps me stay up when I feel sleepy.

But now, I'm not really enjoying it.

The raindrops sound like they're mocking me. The cold air feels like it's starting to choke me. The night sky looks like reflecting the darkness inside of me right now. The dark clouds look like they're trying to separate me from my 'moon', the source of my happiness that I really need right now.

I wonder, what is my 'moon' doing right now. Where are they? Where can I find them? What are they 'shining' at now? Have they found another 'star' to accompany them? Unconsciously, I start to move my hand towards the window and trace a name on the glass.

It's the name of my 'moon'.

Who have no idea at all that they have a 'star' following them every day.

It hurts so much to admire them without being noticed. To watch their every movements without them knowing about my action. To hope for being recognized by them.

To fall in love with them secretly.

But no matter how hard I pray, the chance for my wish to be fulfilled doesn't even exist. My 'moon' is a lone wolf kind of person, who always travel alone far away from 'the galaxy'. They always keep their distance from other people, just like I always do. I have no chance to stand next to them, knowing that I would never be their special 'star'.

If I knew love could hurt this much...

I'd wish my feelings for them would just melt away.


	2. 01 - The Moon and Its Secret Star

"I hate this class..."

I glare secretly at the whole room. All my classmates have gone wild because well, that's what they always do when the teacher's not coming to class. I look at each of them in boredom. Gilbert is doing his 'broom-guitar' moves again while Roderich gets more and more annoyed by his action, and Elizaveta is ready to hit his head with a frying pan.

I look to the other side of the class and found Mei and Kirana talk in excitement with Yong Soo about romantic drama shows from his country. Beside them are Francis and Arthur, mocking at each other while Francis's brother Matthew tries to calm them down. It's just like any other days, the only unusual thing today is Alfred sitting silently on his chair while playing on his phone with bored face.

Seriously, what is this place, a kindergarten playground?

I hold both sides of my head, trying to block all the annoying sounds. The screen of my laptop shows a voice synthesizer software window which I left because my noisy classmates made me unable to concentrate. I sigh, knowing that I won't be able to make the noises go away. I look around the class once again, this time I found a pair of eyes staring at me.

There they are. Those eyes that I secretly love, which are always half-hidden by the bangs above them. A pair of beautiful coloured orbs with sharp looks coming from them which literally shoot through my heart. And their owner still not knowing about it even until now.

I nod and smile slightly at the person, but all I get back are a slightly shocked expression and a quick head turn, followed by a slight head shake. I tilt my head in confusion, then I sigh and smile sadly, guessing that they must be not liking me.

If only that person knew I like them a lot.

Suddenly I realize this class is getting louder. My ears start to hurt because of all the noises they make. I quickly turn off my laptop and put it inside my backpack, then I grab a smaller bag from my class locker and shove my drawing tools, sketch book, my phone and earphone inside. I stand from my seat and walk towards the class leader.

"Arthur-kun, can I go outside for a while? It's too loud here and I can't stand it," I say. Arthur says a quick 'yes' then turns around again to Francis who looks like he's ready to smack Arthur in the face. Before anything gets worse I quickly walk outside the class. I sigh in relief because I can finally escape from that place.

Where should I go now?

Well, I'm thinking of one certain place every student in this school hates.

The library.

* * *

As I walk through the hallway, I feel like someone is following me. When I turn around, I found nothing but an empty hallway behind me. I shrug and try to forget it as I continue to walk to the library door.  
I walk into the library and greet the librarian with a small smile, then I walk towards one of the shelves with my favourite books about criminology, forensics, and human anatomy. I admit, I was quite surprised when I first found books about the first two, because people think it's a little too 'bloody' for students my age. But what can I say? I love these kind of books.

I take some of them and walk to my favourite seat near the big window. There, I take out my journal and pen, then I plug the earphones to my phone and put them on my ears. I pick a song, then I grab one of the books. The cover looks old because not many people are interested with the content, but it still feels so smooth under my skin. I open it and start to read it while taking some necessary notes.

As I read, I feel like someone watching me again. I think there's someone else in this library besides me and the librarian because I heard someone opened the door and greeted the librarian just now. But why do I always have this feeling like someone's eyes are on me?

Feeling more and more uncomfortable, I close my book and return it to its shelves, then I pack my things and walk quickly outside the library. As I walk, I feel someone's following me again. This time, I can hear their footsteps, making me quite scared. What if they're seeking for trouble with me?

Without realizing it, I run as fast as I can to the grass field behind the school and stop under my favourite sycamore tree. I throw myself to the grass under the shadows of the leaves while panting and staring at the sky above. White, blue, and bright yellow, with a flash of colors from airplanes and birds flies by.

I wonder, will I be able to be as free as the birds? To fly as far as I want, to soar as high as I can, for the sky is not a limitation for those flying creatures.

"Okay, enough with your imagination, Honda. Time to do your job," I mumble to myself as I got up from my current position. I lean my back on the tree and grab my sketch book and a pencil, then I start to draw.

"No, no, what is this..." I say after drawing for a while. In front of me is a sketch of the view of the grass field, but somehow it doesn't look good. "This is nothing but horrible drawing made by a 5-years-old. Not good at all...rubbish!"

I throw the book with anger. It landed on wet grass and the paper quickly absorb the water. Tch, why do I care? All that it contains are ugly drawings, it would be better if the water ruins it all.

"I'm completely useless..." I mutter as I yawn and my eyelids start to close.

* * *

2.19 p.m.

It's been an hour and half since I fell asleep, 2 hours since I stepped out of the class, and no one is looking for me. Am I really that unimportant to my classmates?

I grab my sketchbook and notice that few page are wrinkled because of the wet grass. I sigh and gather all my things. I was going to go back to the library when I notice someone sitting under another sycamore tree nearby. That person is burying their face on their knees, their hair covers their face completely. But I don't have to look at them twice to recognize that beautiful coloured hair.

It's...my 'moon'.

I freeze at my current position. What should I do? I could just walk to them and greet them, but I've been watching them long enough to know that they won't like what I'd do. After staring at them for a long time, I sit back and leaning against the tree, this time facing towards the other person.

"Maybe it would be better if I draw them in here," I chuckle as I open my sketch book and start to draw my 'moon' in their current position. I keep glancing at the other person as I draw, while chuckling a few times. The silent classmate that I know for all this time changed into someone different. In that pose, they look...

...I don't know, maybe the right word to describe it is 'cute'.

Suddenly I see them moving a little bit. Definitely afraid of being caught, I jump up only to hit my head on the tree branch the next moment and yell in pain without realizing it. I quickly cover my mouth, then I shove all my things into the bag and hide on the other side f my tree.

"Oh no, they'll kill me..."


	3. 02 - Sweet Lies of the Chrysanthemum

"Oi, what's wrong? Weren't you drawing just now?"

Their voice makes me quiet in fear all of a sudden. Yes, I might have a crush on them, but they're still on my 'don't-disturb-these-people-or-die' list. It's not like I'm afraid of them, I just respect their wish to be alone.

"What are you doing there? I don't bite people, you know," I hear their voices approaching. I take a quick glance from my side and finding the other person standing on the other side, their back is leaning on the tree while their hand is on their pocket.

"Are you alright? You hit your head hard enough just now," they say while laugh mockingly, while my mind keeps on screaming '_shimatta_' endlessly. I am such an idiot for disturbing my silent classmate. Now what's going to happen next, only the Almighty God knows.

"Y-yes, I-I'm fine..."

"Hey, hey, no point in lying," they say again. Knowing them, I'm sure they're grinning right now. "I'm sure you're in pain now. As I've told you, you hit your head pretty hard."

I feel surprised because of their sudden change of personality. Why do they become caring all of a sudden? Beside that, why would they even care about _me_?

...haha, like I'm going to believe that. Nobody cares for me. Even if there are, it won't last for a long time. They'll leave me again for sure. Why can't they just leave already? I don't want anybody to pity me.

"And as I've told you, I'm _perfectly_ fine," I say sharply as I sit slowly and hug my knees. "Besides, why do you even care? I'm sure you don't like me, just like everyone else."

"Hey, you're lucky that I care about you. I hate almost everyone in this world, you know," they mutter. I feel my heart starts to ache as my lips form a wide grin.

"...do you know how many times people told me that before you?" I ask them with wet eyes. "They told me they care about me, then the next day they forgot their words and leave me again. I'm sick of hearing those words. I'd rather be alone than feeling painful betrayals like that! You said you hate almost everyone in this world. Well, I hate EVERYTHING in this world with all my heart!"

I realize I just said I hate my 'moon' indirectly. Regrets? None. I'd rather die accompanied by hatred than accompanied by betrayal and sweet nothings. Suddenly I hear low laughs coming from the other side, followed by loud laughings which sound more like a painful howling coming from a lonely wolf in the night. It sounds like it's mocking me, but it also sounds like it's in pain...

...like it's crying inside.

"You know, we're exactly the same," they say slowly in a sad voice, followed by a long silence between us. I suddenly remembered about the rumours about their childhood. Left by their original family, bullied by all the people around them, always being hurt even after another family adopted them. They knew nothing but pain and loneliness.

If they do feel the same with me, I don't know.

And I'm going to find it out.

...

...

"...is it true?"

I've gathered some courage to go to the other side and stare at the person in front of me. I see sad sparkles on their eyes and realize I don't have to ask them twice to know that they said the truth.

It is true that I don't care about this world, but at least I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But now, my 'moon', my most mysterious classmate is almost crying.

And I'm pretty sure it's because of me.

"Why do you ask me that?" they ask me back while tilting their head to the side, their eyes are closed for holding in the tears. "Of course it is, why would I lie? I hate lies."

They open their eyes again, showing me that beautiful coloured orbs I always adore. But now, those orbs are staring at me sharply, like they're trying to analyze what I'm thinking right now through the look in my eyes. I stare back at them, trying to do the same.

I can detect lies only by hearing a person's voice tone and their movements, and as far as I've known, the person in front of me is 100% telling the truth.

However, I can't just tell the truth about what I really feel about them.

I can detect lies, but my lies are unable to be detected.

"I'm sorry, maybe I really don't deserve living in this world..." I turn around and walk away without looking back and mumble a few more words.

"...not without you knowing I fell for you."


	4. 03 - Love, Hatred, and Sweet Times

I can't help but to feel slightly happy.

On the bright side, I've managed to talk to my 'moon', something I never had the courage to do before. I feel like I become closer to them somehow. Now I had dreams about the 'moon' grinning at me, doing all kinds of activities with me. I really don't want it to end.

At least, I can call their name in there.

Although, my 'moon' starts to keep their distance from me since that day. Well, they always keep their distance from everyone else, but it's like they really want to get as far as possible from me. It's like that day never happened, like we never talked, like I never saw them almost cry.

Like I never existed to them.

And now here I am, sitting in front of my room's window, staring at the heavy storm outside. These days, I prefer storm than normal rain. The roaring thunder wipes off all my mixed feelings, and the cold howling wind pretty much describes me on the inside.

The raindrops keep on falling as I think about me and my 'moon'. I think they must've really hate me now, since what I did must've be a little rude. I really want to say sorry to them, but I realize I can't.

The track that got off can never got back to gear.

I try to hate that person since then.

I try to make myself angry because their attitude is way too ignorant, way too cold, way too unbearable. I try to hate their harsh words. I try to hate their artistic skills. And I managed to do that. Now I hate everything about them. Even only when I hear people said their name, I feel angry inside.

But at the same time, my love towards them becomes overwhelming.

I could never hate how their hair shines under the sunlight. I could never hate that beautiful smile they rarely show. I could never hate their amazing paintings. I could never their kind side they almost never show.

I could never hate that beautiful coloured orbs I always love.

Why can't I just forget about them and move on? Why must everything about them looks perfect in my eyes? Why do those orbs must make me fall in love everytime I accidentally stare at them?

Why can't I forget the thoughts of my heart and my feelings I had towards my 'moon'?

* * *

"Oi, Kiku, the teachers told me your grades are getting lower," Arthur say as he sits in a chair in front of my seat and stares right at me. "What happened? You don't look really well. Are you sick? The weather isn't also in a good condition lately, maybe you have a fever..."

"N-no, I'm fine. I think I'm just a little tired from school works. My family said I have a weak body, after all," I say while smiling a little to comfort the class leader. Arthur sighs and pinch his nose bridge.

"You know, Kiku, you're a bad liar and you'll always be," he says while staring at me sharply. "I'm your childhood friend, for God's sake! Just tell me what's wrong, okay? I won't tell anyone if it's private."

"Nothing! I'm just a little tired and still a little bit sad from the news about my grandfather's death..." I lie while putting the best flat face expression I can. My grandfather did just died a few weeks ago, but of course that's not the main cause of my grades falling down.

"...you know what? I still don't believe you," Arthur sighs. "I'll let you go for now, but I'm still going to look for the main reason of your bad grades. Before I go, do you have anything else to say?"

I shake my head while keeping my head down, then I hear him sighs once again and walks away. I bury my head in my arms as I feel tears start to drop slowly. This is too heavy to handle. I feel like I can't take this hurtful reality anymore. I'm feeling like I should lock all my secret, all my feelings, all my memories, everything I have inside my heart and jump off a bridge, carrying my locked heart to the other life.

But...

...is it really necessary? To end my own life?

Suddenly a flash of memory comes out in my mind. It was a week before an art exhibition in my school. I was going to take one of my drawings and submit it for the exhibition, but when I went to the art room to take it I noticed someone is already in there, and when I peeked inside it was my 'moon'.

As always, I felt panic but happy, then I realized they were holding my old sketch book with the drawing I was going to submit and the other drawings I made. They flipped through the pages with an unexplainable expression, although I can hear them muttered some words that took my breath away.

"They're all beautiful..."

* * *

_Dear God,_

_If you're there for me, please listen to me_

_Just for now_

_Please let me get soaked with sweet times_

_Where I can see my loved one smiled_

_For I know it is true_

_For I know it is the only time I feel happy_

_And please_

_Just one time, just a single second_

_Let me hear the love of my life say my name_

_Even if this feeling melts away someday_

_I want them in my heart_

_To be with me_

_To stay like that with me_

_Forever..._


	5. 04 - Singing the Bird's Love Song

"Kiku! Kiku!"

I turn my head and saw three girls running to me. As I've guessed, it's my friends who forced me to join their Secret Boy x Boy Fan Club. I used to be as active as they are but I've lost my interest in it lately. I watch as they stop in front of me with extremely wide grin on their faces.

"Come on, come on! We got a show going on!" Mei says while jumping up and down.

"Wait, what?"

"Someone confessed to Gilbert!" Elizaveta says before letting out a small fangirl scream. "But before I could see who that is, they ran away and lecked themself in the infirmary, so we gotta hurry up!"

"No time to waste, Kiku! Let's go!" Erika says while pulling my hand and forcing me to run with her and the other two, making me wondering how hyper that usually shy girl could become when it comes to these things. We keep running and running until they stop at the hallway near the infirmary and hide behind a nearby wall.

"Here we are! Now stay quiet!" Elizaveta says while preparing her camera. "Erika, start recording! Mei, watch the surroundings for any possible disturbance! Kiku, you might want to put this moment in your sketchbook!"

"Roger that, Chief!" Erika says while pressing the record button on her camcorder.

"We're clear!" Mei whispers after looking around.

"Uh...I'm good," I say as I watch half-heartedly at the sight of Gilbert banging at the infirmary door.

"Oi, how long are you going to hide inside? The school's doctor is going to come sooner or later, you know," he says at the door.

"Go away!" a voice answers from inside. I don't really know whose voice is it because it's muffled, then I see Gilbert grinning wide.

"Hey, I'm not the one who says 'I like you' all of a sudden," he says while letting out his weird laughing sound.

"Okay, okay, I admit I'm stupid. Now go away!" the voice shouts again. Gilbert lets out a sigh, then he smiles.

"Okay, but let me say this first..." he says, then he whispers some words.

"I like you too. I always do. Even before I dated my ex-girlfriend. And I won't go before you come out."

The girls beside me start to freak out silently, while I still watch the Prussian waiting for an answer. Whoever owns that voice must've be really surprised with his answer. I mean, he's one of the most popular students in this school. It's not like everyday you could have someone like that to return your feelings.

Suddenly the door starts to open slowly, but Gilbert quickly pull it open and hug the person behind it. I can't really see who's the person because they're standing on the inner side of the infirmary door.

"Oh crap I can't see them!" Elizaveta whispers. "Mei, snap them with my camera and tell me who's the lucky person!"

"Right away!" Mei says while grabbing Elizaveta's camera and running towards the door silently. I can see her face suddenly shows a surprised expression, then she hurrily snaps a picture and runs back to us.

"We gotta go like, now!" she says while grabbing our hands and make us run following her. We keep running until we see the Newspaper Club's room, which is also happens to be my other club.

"Kiku, I'm borrowing this room for a moment!" Mei says while opening the door. We hurrily run inside, then Mei shuts the door and lets out a fangirling scream.

"Who is it!?" Elizaveta asks. "Is it Roderich!?"

"Please tell me it's my brother, I like it when they're together!" Erika says while laughing. "I'll be having fun by teasing him everyday if it happens!"

"You're not going to believe who that is!" Mei says while jumping up and down. "They're the last person that I expect to fall for him, because they're always arguing and do these little cat fights and teasing each other and call each other with names and..."

"Just tell us who's the person!" Erika says. Mei says nothing because she keeps on screaming, but she hands us Elizaveta's camera which displays the picture she just took. Elizaveta and Erika grabs it and quickly look it, while I look from behind their backs. What I see surprises me a lot.

The person who confessed to him...

It's my 'moon'.

* * *

"I wonder what's wrong with that mysterious student," Arthur says as he watches them laughing with Gilbert and his friends. "They've became more opened up all of a sudden."

"Well, they're with Gilbert now and he's the school clown," I say with no interest while staring outside the window. "No wonder they've became like that."

Suddenly silence comes between us. I can feel Arthur staring at me with confusion, but I do nothing but to keep staring at the tree outside my class. Then someone calls Arthur, and I can see him leaving me. I turn my head to see my 'moon' blushes as Gilbert puts his arm around them while Francis and Antonio keeps on teasing them.

I sigh as I think that I already knew from the first time I saw them, that I would never be able to be with them. I already knew that I would be brokenhearted if I have a crush on them. I knew they would leave me and make my heart empty.

Yet, I still fell in love with them.

And they still didn't know about it.

"This is too hard..." I whisper.

* * *

I was quite surprised when I found out everyone asked me and my 'moon' did we had a fight, because they noticed my 'moon' has been keeping distance from me. I'd say that we're fine, after all we never had much talks before. And then my friends would leave both me and my 'moon' alone. My 'moon' would look at me with an unexplainable expression, then they would give me a smile which looks a little forced. Then they would just leave me and continue what they're doing before.

And it would happen all over again, everytime a friend asks us.

I hate lying to so many people, but I've been lying since who knows when. I think that's why I can detect lies so easily. It's because lies goes together with breathing for me. Lies are a part of my life. Lies are what I'm made of. I'm a total liar.

No, maybe not a liar...

...maybe, more like a deceiver.

I deceive people by telling them good things and say that I'm fine when I'm actually not. I keep my secrets beneath this cold, flat mask called expression. So that people won't ask me about my feelings. So that I'd never be brokenhearted. So that I can survive in this pitiful illusion called life...

Yes, maybe that's what I am...

"Kiku!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and realizes that Mei is sitting in the chair in front of me and smiling widely. "I have something to ask you!"

Here we go again...I hope she won't ask me something childish like why am I such a loner or why I uses with my laptop a lot.

"What's the most important thing in your life?"

"Eh?"

"Tell me, tell me!" Mei says. I'm quite surprised by her question. I was going to say my 'moon' but I don't want people to know I have an unrequited crush. So I think about something else that is important to me. Home? Not really. Family? Yeah right, they always ignore me. Friends? Haha. My pet? Well I love Pochi-kun but I'm pretty sure he's not that important. I'm pretty sure I have one...

...eh?

"I...I can't remember what it is..." I say slowly. Mei widens her eyes in surprise. I really say the truth now. I can't remember the most important thing in my life besides my 'moon'. I do have one before, but I can't remember it now. My crush to them has changed me a lot, I can't remember a single thing about something that is important for me before they came into my life.

"Ah, I see," she says in disappointment. "Well then, tell me when you've remembered it!"

"I don't think I would..." I mumble as she walks away.

* * *

_This world is like a closed box_

_It's choking me with all the pain _

_ from the image of me and you_

_Whenever I'm close to you, you're getting far_

_Whenever I'm far from you, you're getting closer_

_Why can't I just forget you?_

_Why must I see you being happy with someone else?_

_You're my life, he's your life, and you're his life_

_Does that mean I don't exist for you?_

* * *

"The autumn wind is pretty cold..."

I sit in my chair in front of the window in my class. This year's autumn is unusually cold, I wonder if the weather really is messed up these days. As I watch the falling leaves flying with the wind, I noticed a small red bird bringing dried fruit for another bird with blue feathers. The other bird was going to take it, but then another bird with yellow feathers came and the blue bird quickly forgets the red one and chirps with the yellow bird.

I can see the red birds trying to get the blue bird's attention, but they ignored it. Then the blue bird and the yellow bird fly away together, leaving the red bird alone with the dried fruit. I can see it feeling down, then I smile and whistles, calling the red bird to come. Surprisingly, it does so. It flies from the tree to the window and stares at me with black eyes.

"Don't worry," I say as I pat the bird gently. "I'm sure you'll find another bird."

Then suddenly, the bird hops onto my finger and starts to chirp endlessly. I think it's singing a song. I take time to listen to it singing. The song sounds cheerful like how birds usually sing, but somehow it also sounds sad. Then I notice the bird resembles me a lot. How I fell in love with someone who won't notice me anymore, how they left me when they've found someone else to love, how I've been left alone.

It's like we shared our painful sadness.

Suddenly the singing stops. I look down to my finger and see the bird staring at me with a sad look, but it also looks like it's smiling sadly. The bird rub their head to my finger like a kitten, then it flies away. I watch as it flies somewhere far, its singing still stucks in my head. I smile sadly as I try to hum the singing, my thoughts still about the similarity between me and the bird.

Then I realize now we're singing the same song.

A song about the hurtful unrequited love, about the pain from watching our loved ones being happy with another person, about the fear from falling in love again and being hurt again.

An elegy from a lonely heart.

A love song of a bird.


End file.
